Growing up I was always told not to cry. My mother would tell me to hold my tears back and only let them out when something truly hurt. When something impact-full happened like death or something along those lines. As I grew up it was my friends who gave me love advice. “Never let him see you cry,” they said. Later my mother would be giving me the same advice.
A few months ago my heart was broken. Not because I was in love, but because I was losing someone who meant so much to me. Someone who I valued as a person, and who had suddenly become my best friend in such a short amount of time. Over the course of months I moved on. Then I found myself standing in front of him one day. The conversation flowed just as it had once before. Suddenly there was a need to talk about the past. Words that I never got off my chest. Questions that I needed to ask. Only when the time came I could not bring myself to say the words.
On The Inside
I couldn’t do it. Sitting there starring in his eyes, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill his soul the way he killed mine
The tears built up in my eyes drowning my pupils. They remained there.
I would not let them fall. My vision would suffer. Blurry was fine.
He was not going to see me cry.
I wanted so desperately TO let it all OUT.
To tell him how deep the wound bled. While he sat here and played victim and I let him as always. Held it in. keep composure. After all I was a lady.
What I wanted to do was scream and cry and tell him that I wasn’t alright. That I wasn’t okay. That I was a total mess.
And it was all his fault. Now I was the bad person. I was the mean one. And I sat there listening. He, Telling me the way my words had hurt HIM.
I didn’t cry. I couldn’t do it.